I have never said this in a public forum: my brother Steve’s untimely death four years ago was a suicide.
At first, we didn’t know. And then, we did.
But it wasn’t time to talk about it before. Our family and very close friends needed time to process, to grieve, to try to make sense out of something that we will never understand. Ever.
And quite frankly, there was no way to express the ragged, jagged, piercing and seemingly permanent heartbreak that we share. I’ve tried in this blog, believe me, although you didn’t know what you were reading. Some of my hurt-heart poems and writing are linked at the end of the post.
The adage says, “time heals all wounds,” but I wonder why the part about the scars was left out?
There is something true about the healing (accepting?) impact of time, though – it all looks different through the 4-years later lens. I can see past the horror, shock, pain and hopelessness, all the way back to the wonderment and love we once shared, the richness that my relationship with my brother brought to my life, and the Crayola-bright uniqueness that was Steve’s essence. His extremely wise choice in marriage brought me my “sister” and my nieces, a gift that is immeasurable and one of the reasons I believe in God.
My nieces have shared their stories through their participation in Out of the Darkness walks, and their courage is the reason I’m now ready to publicly share this painful story.
The other reason is that, like my nieces, I hope my voice can help impact even one life for the better. Please forgive the raggedness, the jaggedness of this poem, and share it with anyone you think might be suffering alone in the dark.
A Suicide Prevention Poem: Out of the Darkness and Into the Light
please hear my plea
if you are out there somewhere
in the dark
considering taking control of your life
by taking your life
please tell someone
just one person
let one person know
that you are at risk
in the dark
and sad
and feeling alone and desperate and unloved
please hear my plea
know that the people who have always loved you
still do
always will
know that your current situation
in the dark
doesn’t have to be
your permanent situation
there’s no death sentence for mistakes or regret
unless you pass it on yourself
please hear my plea
reach out to the light
please tell someone
just one person
let one person know
that you are at risk
in the dark
and sad
and feeling alone and desperate and unloved
you’ll never know
unless you reach out
that you can live in the light again
we’ll never know we can help
unless you tell someone
just one person
let one person know
we’ll never know
that we could have been
the light in your darkness
please hear my plea:
you matter to someone
he mattered to me
Other hurt-heart writings to wrestle with this kind of grief and embrace the remaining joy of brother-memories :
- my days by the water
- Now You Know: a Poem for My Brother
- How Far is Heaven? Remembering Kim-n-Steve
- Haiku: Suicide Journey
- Haiku: Days Gone By
- A Poem from Long Ago: “For You, Mom, On Your Brother’s Death”
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
January 2020 Update
There’s a private Facebook page for Suicide Prevention and Awareness; you can find it here. The leader of a suicide awareness foundation called You Matter – Brady’s Bunch, shared her Christmas lights, which will stay up permanently, in honor of her son Brady, who was a victim of suicide at 16.
“You Matter” is a powerful message. Another message from You Matter – Brady’s Bunch is “It’s Not Weak to Speak”. As you read above, I didn’t talk about my brother’s suicide for several years, but am much more open now, hoping to help even just one person. I work for a very large corporation and finally got the courage to share this very personal poem in our internal social media on Mental Health Day late last year. The reception from my colleagues across the world was positive and compassionate – there are so many people out there who are hurting because of similar stories, and they think they’re alone. But they’re not. A hashtag started at work: #youmattertome .
He mattered to me.
Copyright 2017 and 2020, Glover Gardens
Your story will help someone. Keep sharing it.
Thank you, Dave.
I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll shut up (except to add that your poem is not ragged).
Anabel, thank you. I love hearing from you and find your outlook inspiring.
Your poem and the words before it are heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time – You are creating awareness out of a tragedy and for that I commend you! I’m very sorry for your loss xx
Christy B, thank you so much. I appreciate your affirmation, and “heartbreaking and beautiful” is how I now look back on my life with my brother.
This was heartbreakingly beautiful. Please continue touching hearts, may it be one heart at a time. Admitting and asking for help to others is not that easy; opening yourself is not easy, but messages and poems like this will always be a great reminder that we are not alone. My thoughts and love to your brother. Please always remember the good times with him. xx
Junice, thank you for your encouragement. It was hard to write and share this, and yet I felt like I lost about 30 pounds of baggage when I clicked the “Publish” button. You’re so right; we are definitely not alone. Thank you for being part of my not-alone posse.
Beautiful. My brother took his life two years ago. I have been forever changed.
Liz, your words are so profound. When I’m down, I sometimes think of “the last good time” (as being before this happened), but I know that the waves of peace and acceptance are growing larger and longer lasting.
Yes, I am sure your poem will help someone.When people near to us pass away there is always great sorrow, but when the reason is suicide, as you have said the scar always remains. Thank you for sharing. Regards
Thank you for your understanding.
Sometimes you still don’t recognize someone calling out for help even when they make it very obvious they are in need. Please pay attention.
Yes, you’re right. It is so hard to hear those bitter cries in the dark, and to discern them from the false alarms. I will never, ever know if I missed something, some opportunity to make things different.
This is a really sweet memorial to Steve. Still, today, his death seems unreal. He was always so upbeat, feisty, confident, and kind. I loved being around you guys when I was little. It still breaks my heart that Steve Harvell could ever have gotten to this place. Much ❤️ to U, Kimbo!
~ Phyllis