A Shocking Contradiction in Terms: Velveeta “Fresh Packs”

April 13, 2020

A Shocking Contradiction in Terms: Velveeta “Fresh Packs”

1 Comment

Folks, some things are just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Like hollandaise in a package or jar. You know how I feel about fake food. I’ve railed about that here before.

Another thing that is WRONG is this. How could anyone in their right mind call something with Velveeta in it a “Fresh Pack”???

“Fresh packs,” my aspic! (That’s a little foodie humor; I’m cracking myself up!)

Velveeta is the antithesis of fresh; it’s the godfather of preservative-laden fake food. It’s not even allowed to be called cheese by the Food & Drug Administration, carrying the moniker “pasteurized recipe cheese product” instead, or the more direct, “processed cheese food”. It can’t be cheese – it doesn’t need to be refrigerated!

The key to Velveeta’s success, in my humble opinion, is its “meltability”. But folks, that’s not enough for me. Other cheeses melt just fine: how about provolone or gruyere, fontina or raclette? What about a nice cheddar or Monterrey jack? Muenster, brie, camembert or gouda? Emmental, baby! Are you hungry yet? I’m ready to go rob a cheese purveyor, if it wasn’t for this pesky social distancing / stay-at-home thing.

Here’s a post about a dish with irresistible melted cheese in a starring role.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging you if Velveeta is a staple ingredient in your queso.

That’s between you and your culinary conscience.

I’ll confess that I might have consumed a Velveeta-forward queso, or even made one in the past. But I would never, ever call it “fresh”. What were they thinking???

From Organic Authority: Velveeta’s History is Long

I always thought Velveeta sprung into popularity in the 40s or 50s, with other gems like SPAM, Jello salad and Vienna Sausage (which is another contradiction in terms, because there’s no way anyone in Vienna would ever eat those mushy little fingers of unrecognizable protein-is stuff). But no, Velveeta has a longer history, dating back to the early 20th century, according to Organic Authority. While doing my research for this foodie outrage post, I found their delightful and informative article about Velveeta.

There’s a breakdown of the ingredients in America’s favorite “processed cheese food” in the article, and the next scariest thing was the mention of a recipe that sports Velveeta sauce poured over toasted peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. Oh. My. Gosh.

No. Please, just no.

That’s all for today, a little light-hearted but hopefully provocative food-snob rant during a ghastly and unpredictable pandemic.

Stay home, stay safe, stay sane and stay in touch.

© 2020, Glover Gardens

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